Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Realization

Good morning lovelies! I hope you all are having a lovely day thus far!  I've had a great morning so far, and the weather is making me happy! (Plus, tomorrow is my birthday!!)

But, on to the point of this blog post! I've been hesitant to post this... But, after reading a few posts on Tessa's blog a few days ago, I came to realize something. Not a necessarily good something, though. 

... I have an exercise addiction.

Now, that might not seem like a "bad" thing necessarily, but it basically goes hand-in-hand with why orthorexia is a bad thing. {This post, written by Tessa, basically explains it all.} An addiction is an addiction. Nothing good ever comes out of an addiction. A habit, yes, but when it becomes something too routine-y, and you find yourself thinking about it nonstop, it's not a "good" thing anymore.
I do love exercise for it's benefits, trust me! And I most definitely do love it for the post-workout high and the slight confidence boost it gives me... But those are definitely not the only reasons I always exercise. Burning excessive calories, counting calories... They also go hand-in-hand. I know I mentally do "force" myself to exercise 5 days a week (at least) to burn calories to earn more food and to earn more calories. I seem to mentally make deals with myself- "if I do this workout, I can have this for breakfast/lunch/dinner." "Oh, you didn't exercise today? You have to eat less, and do SOME sort of activity. Even a plank counts!" I know when I don't exercise, I try to restrict some.

A big part of intuitive eating is exercising because I physically and mentally want to. Not to burn calories necessarily. Not because you feel forced. Not because you feel like you're gonna gain 75 pounds if you don't exercise 5 days a week at least. In fact, here's one of the principles exactly:
9. Exercise--Feel the Difference. Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise. If you focus on how you feel from working out, such as energized, it can make the difference between rolling out of bed for a brisk morning walk or hitting the snooze alarm. If when you wake up, your only goal is to lose weight, it's usually not a motivating factor in that moment of time.

I wish I could say I do HIIT 5 days a week only because I love it. I mean, I do love it, and I do look forward to doing it 85% of the time... But I will confess, I do sometimes only do it to burn excess calories to "earn" more food for the day.

Do I eat enough in a day? I don't know. To be honest, most of my days consist of the same types of food. I have calories memorized for almost every single thing I eat sadly, so I could round up no problem. But, if I look up how many calories I should be consuming with the amount of exercise I do, I probably don't meet the amount. (Okay, I definitely don't meet the amount all the time.) Because of my restrictive past, if I eat 2000+ calories a day to compensate the amount of exercise I do (and to maintain my weight), I would definitely gain weight because my body is sort of used to lower amounts. But, I wouldn't mind gaining weight if it was all muscle.
5 lbs of fat vs 5 lbs of muscle
I find myself consistently trying to plan things. Whether it'd be my next workout, my next meal, or my next snack... It makes it hard to listen to my body. I've also faced some "fear foods" in the past few months, but I feel like the only reason I could do it, is because of my exercise. (Like Tessa said in her post.)

And I'm sick of it all. I want to feel normal again! Perhaps I am getting there, considering I have been working on changing up meals, eating more, and counting less calories. But, I'm getting impatient now because I feel like I give in too easily to this disordered mindset. How come everyone else can exercise only a few times a week, while still living their life without compromising, and not gain ten pounds? How come everyone else can skip one extra day of exercise and not feel like a balloon? It won't kill them, so why would it kill me? How come everyone else can easily listen to their body, and feed it that extra cookie if it wants it, without feeling guilty? If everyone else can do this stuff, why can't I? How come I feel overwhelmed and panic-y, and like I'm gonna break down if I can't get my workout in for the day (again, at least 5 days a week)? How come everyone else can eat every 1-2 hours depending on how they feel, but if I eat anything within 3 hours of my previous meal, I have to restrict later on?
Sometimes I feel like I need to be forced, by someone other than myself, to do things right and healthy. Sometimes I let myself slip up and count calories or worry about what I eat or how many calories I burn, and then tell myself "next time I won't allow myself to do that." It's a cycle that I can no longer have going on in my life. This has to be the end of rationalizing the food I eat with the amount of exercise I do- or don't do. It's time to start listening to my body... For real. I'm not losing myself to this disease. I'm sick of planning, and I'm sick of worrying! It's time to start new.

P.S. I thoroughly do love Insanity, regardless of things said in this post. It's something I enjoy doing, whether it'd be an "easier" video, or a harder video!
P.P.S. I had a bigger, more (healthy) fat and protein packed breakfast (on Friday, when I first wrote this post), even though I didn't workout, and as soon as I started to count the calories... I stopped myself
P.P.S. I haven't counted calories in almost three full days! I even ate more yesterday, and I really liked my body this morning! Progress!

No comments:

Post a Comment